Pearls Of Poison
Above: My beautiful PA, Honey Higginbotham, preparing to copy and paste some bitching.
Due to nothing other than sheer good fortune, I was born with brains, exterior beauty, talent and a stunning pair of tits.
This has led to my being the target of much jealousy over the years.
I learnt to ignore the spiteful barbs which occur with tedious regularity. Then I became a full time writer. Now, all insults are material and the best material goes into my books. My books are making money, which goes straight into my bank account, rather than the bank account of the insulter.
Here are some recent comments about me which have been repeated back to me:
"Jude's so pretty. She's got a lovely face. She's got such lovely bone structure as well. It's such a shame she's so fat."
Quote by: A woman who by her own admission hasn't had sex for a very long time.
"I've unsubscribed to that mailing list. It's filth. It uses the "F" word... disgusting. As for that PA, Honey whatever she's called. Jude hasn't got a PA. I know she hasn't. She hasn't, you know."
Quote by: A woman who by her own admission hasn't had sex for a very long time.
"She's got more chance of winning the lottery than getting any of her books published. She should do what other women her age do, get a nice little part time job in the Co-Op."
Quote by: A woman who by her own admission hasn't had sex for a very long time.
Are we seeing a pattern here? Is the cause of these women's bitterness actually that they need ten pints of Guinness and a good shag? When am I going to hear some insults made by women who are getting serviced regularly?
"I notice there is a favourable review in Amazon, though I'd like a guarantee that it wasn't submitted by someone who is a relative of or acquainted with the author..."
Quote by: A male forum poster.
"Good to see you finally achieving something. After spending the last twenty years doing nothing. "
Quote by: A single man who has spent much of his life on state benefits and, unlike me, not borne and raised three children.
If you've witnessed someone insulting me, please send me the quote using the Contact link above. The most poisonous will be featured on Pearls Of Poison and may even make it into one of my books.
Welcome
Hi, I'm Jude Calvert-Toulmin, director of Fleur De Lys Publishing and author of our debut titles, available on Amazon, Mother-in-Law, Son-in-Law and My Adventures in Cyberspace (the first in a trilogy.)
My Adventures in Cyberspace II, Drowning, is due for publication 2013.
Testimonials
Mother-in-Law, Son-in-Law
Fiona Russell Powell, journalist and ex member of legendary 80s band ABC:
Love the book!
I really enjoyed it and read it cover to cover very quickly. As soon as I started it, I didn't put it down until I'd finished it.
Anything published by the author is almost always awful. Thank God this was the exception!
It is notoriously difficult to write about sex well. I don't think there are any other genres within a genre that get awards for bad writing apart from descriptions of sex in books.
I'm amazed that this is a first effort because it is very confidently written. I particularly liked the fact that Calvert-Toulmin didn't succumb to the temptation of punishing the Kate character for being such a brat; the resolving of her situation was both mature and realistic.
An excellent first novel in a genre that is daunting for a first-time author.
Another thing I absolutely adore is the frontispiece ex libris design - it's great! I wish other books did that.
I'm looking forward to reading My Adventures in Cyberspace now.
.
Quote:
From MY ADVENTURES IN CYBERSPACE:
Paul: - 20.18 Thu
In reply to Helsinki Howard:
Has anyone thought that if Dom was to publish this thread or bits of it in a book, she'd be the one that came out looking intelligent and literate? Can anyone else think of a reason she’s bothering to write such detailed posts as opposed to our usual:
> Shut up you're a twat
> No shut up you're a twat
Conspiracy theory? Maybe...
Newsletter Sign-Up
You won't get spammed, just a monthly newsletter with a genuine news section followed by some light entertainment, "A word from the Fleur De Lys PA, Honey Higgingbotham."
As you'll see from her photos, Honey's a hot redhead and every man's dream PA. She likes whipping off her Jimmy Choos and putting her feet on the desk, and she doesn't mince her words.
A couple of people have already asked when Honey will get her own book. We'll see. Chick lit and novels with curly wurly writing on the cover aren't our thing but we'll think about it.